PARALYSIS

It's hard to know what to do or say during these uncertain and unprecedented times. "It's going to be okay," "we will weather this storm," "have faith," "wash your hands," "stay inside." Seems like no matter what we feel, it all comes down to fear. I feel it for sure. In more aspects than I can count and more so as the days pass without solution. I fear for the fate of the world; for what and who so many will lose. I fear for the global economy; the loss of human connection; for DEhumanization; the rejection of empathy. I fear loss of normalcy; sanity. But most of all, I fear failure. And saying we mustn't fear feels hypocritical because as a parent the fear of failing to protect what is most beloved to me is all-consuming.

As my youngest child came in to my bedroom tonight for the fifth time since I put him to bed, he said he couldn't fall asleep because when he closed his eyes all he could see were people dying. I want to believe it's a stall tactic; I want to believe it's an unrelated common nightmare; I want to blame video game violence. I want to believe that my children are shielded from this pandemic panic and the wave of fear that is coursing through most of us so all I can say to him is, "Don't worry love. It will all be okay. Mommy will protect you." But the truth is that I can't. Not really. Not when every contact feels like a threat. And for a person who fears next to nothing, that vulnerability is paralyzing.

For now, this seemingly unstoppable virus will be this generation's 9/11. They'll remember it. We all will. So, I don't know what to say or do. All I know to do is to keep fighting for bravery, strength and courage' All I know to say is that together we WILL come out stronger. And all I can offer is my calm, even if within me at times it most often feels dishonest. I can offer prayers for his protection; for the health and safety of my other two children; for my friends and family. . .for everyone.

PRODIGAL RETURN

At the back end of 2014 many of my friends at the time felt strongly that I was meant to write a blog. Basing this "destiny" on the fact that my undergraduate degree was in journalism and that I have always referred to writing as "my first love," I started one. My first post was January 2, 2015.

What my friends wanted me to write about was fashion, and design; interiors, travel, how to "look put together" when traveling; what patterns and textiles go together in your home; whose style was "best" at the Golden Globes and so on and so on. And for a while, I did that. But it didn't take too long for the steam to run out because writing about those things (and I'm not saying that I won't again) isn't what inspired me and for anyone that is a writer, you surely know that when there is no inspiration, there are no words. And so Tenacious E died.

Fast forward to today, March 22, 2020. I still write. A little more privately in my journal, however. Sometimes I write on the back of wrinkled receipts, on scraps of paper; on the palm of my hand or forearm; on the Notes app in my phone. . . Sometimes, in moments of self reflection, I simply record voice notes on what I am feeling, whether it be difficult, sad, or joyful. . .and there in the audios, when I'm processing emotion or pain, that is where I find true inspiration. I find it in hearing my own voice - the trembles and cracks of expression; the pauses and gasps between tears that breaks my own heart. It's raw and real and personal. And it made me wonder: what if I didn't write about who wore what best? What if I didn't write about interiors or fashion? What if I wrote from the heart? What if I allowed myself to be present and vulnerable to experiences that I KNOW are not solely my own? What would happen? The answer was simple: nothing. Perhaps not a single soul would read these words but at least it would be ME. Terrifying. It could open doors not only to my innermost thoughts but also to criticism and judgment but it would be authentic and that has always been my Northstar. So, I don't know what will happen but maybe that's why I'm here again, because you always return and because you never really forget your first love, do you?

WHAT'S THE SUNDAY WORD, HUMMINGBIRD?

We make time for the things that matter to us. PERIOD. Whether it be family, fitness, philanthropy, spiritual growth, hobbies, relationships or even our mental health, TIME becomes inexplicably available FOR and TO the things that our hearts most value and desire. The more I experience life and learn to adapt to this ever-changing world around me, with its rollercoaster of ups and downs, I discover this undeniable truth: I must first put the oxygen mask on myself before I can help others. I must find time to replenish and recharge my heart, mind, body and soul before I can serve those around me well. And the truth is that I am not prone to that. It's a challenge for me to put myself first. I am the crumbs; the leftovers and ultimately it only makes things harder. I've also learned that I can't do anything well when I am gasping for air and drowning in over-scheduling, worry and a living in a boundary-less state where my answer is always "yes". It's time to learn to say no and not because we are being selfish and unwilling but because we aren't super human and it's okay to own that we can't be all things to all people. Sometimes being "selfish" is a necessity. So today, this latte; this loud music and these rolled down windows; this solo dance party is just for me so that it can eventually be for you. 

THE SIZE OF THE FIGHT

ATHLETES: they train hard or die trying, am I right? There's something about sports - I find that it doesn't always necessarily build character as often as it reveals it. Think Tim Tebow vs. Ray Rice. So, even though I am a futbol not a football girl, today with the Super Bowl upon us I raise my Stella to you boys and your pigskins. Here's to your hard work, your blood, sweat and maybe even behind-closed-doors-tears; to remembering that it's not always the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog; to not always winning the game but always walking away with respect for how you played the game and learning how to play it better next go round; to getting dirty and fearing no opponent; to perseverance, dedication and sacrifice; to the hustle; to working hard when talent and skill aren't enough; to being motivated and being a team player; to having other people's back; to earning your spot on the team; to achieving greatness and finding the champion in you; to the gridiron, the game and leaving excuses at the door; to focus not fame; to the roar of the crowd; to discipline and passion; to crushing the game and to playing for the name on the front of the shirt so they'll remember the name on the back. Go get 'em boys. 

WHAT'S THE SUNDAY WORD, HUMMINGBIRD?

I won't stand on a soapbox. You're smart and this is self-explanatory. So today, stop acting aloof because you think it makes you more (fill in the blank), it does just the opposite. It just makes you look like an a-hole. Be nice.

SUNDAY, MUDDY SUNDAY

Happy Sunday friends. 

That's all I want you to know today:

YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT

I don't really know who reads these posts. Sure, there are definitely some friends in the mix but some of you are strangers to me and I to you. I don't know where you live, where you have come from or where you are going. I don't know your "story"; whether you have families, illness, struggles, heartache, infinite joy, paralyzing loneliness or all of the above. I only know that for some reason I am writing something that you are choosing to read. Perhaps it will make you smile, or laugh or cry. Maybe you stumbled upon it and were just curious or bored. Whatever the reason I want you to know that I'm glad we met. I'm glad you are here. With me. Right now. 

I'm glad you saw this today so that you know that THIS is all in good fun. THIS can be light-hearted. THIS can be heavy but at the end of the day, this is one woman's thoughts: my transparency and vulnerability. It is an expression of the things that I love, fear, hate, wrestle with, weep about, laugh about and mostly need to let out.

I believe that authenticity is what life's about. And even if you've forgotten that, find that girl or guy in there who knows better - the person who knows that the BEST accessory is their smile, their open heart; their REAL self. Find the person who knows that nothing on the outside can make you beautiful if the inside is dark and bitter and hidden from truth. Find the person who knows that you CAN face tomorrow. Because we will. Together. 

Maybe you fell, hell, maybe you're like me and you've fallen so many times you wonder IF and HOW you keep standing up again. But if you rise (again), you might just be stronger this time or the time after. Just don't give up. Maybe that "lesson" you learned could give you wings to fly? Maybe you don't need the encouragement at all. . .but then again, maybe you do.