WELCOME HOME

The first time we tried to have this event, the skies opened up and we experienced a mini typhoon. The tents blew over, we slid off our drenched yoga mats and the universe decided “not today yogis.” Rescheduled a month later, we were gifted the most gorgeous weather and a do-over better than I could have ever imagined. 

Metaphorically speaking, and much like that first event, my life for a very very long stretch has felt like a series of typhoons - “when it rains it pours.” The hits just kept on coming! Constantly moving, fixing, mending, repairing; putting out fires; juggling everything and everyone’s needs around me all at once had become the new norm and because life tends to throw you plenty to worry about and tackle all at once, it felt never-ending. I was exhausted; in need of encouragement, self-nourishment and above all support. I needed life to give me a break and help me to actively carve out time for myself, my dreams, and for replenishment. But even without those things, I KNOW I am strong; and always have been. I know personal sacrifice and I know pain all too well but I have never given up trying to work on myself and better myself because I have three extraordinary reasons to never quit. 

The morning of the rescheduled event, I was in an emotionally empathetic place - deeply hurting for someone I love with all my heart, unable to make the situation better for him and my inclination was to stay home and get to work on “fixing the problem” but I KNEW two things: 1) that if I WENT, my mindset would change and 2) that almost 99% of the time I worry unnecessarily and things always work out for good in time and with patience and by trusting that the universe will conspire in my favor if I allow myself to change and let go of those “fixer” habits and patterns. 

Practicing awareness, I checked in with myself and surrendered. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone I went to the event and on the way was met with text message after message from a community I thought I had lost offering support, potential solutions and a “you’ve got this” theme based on my earlier situation. 

That day, I tried new things, and at times even thought, “I hope no one is watching or paying attention - I must look ridiculous.” I sensed that insecurity we all have of being judged creeping in and I stopped it dead in its tracks. Nope. Sorry. Not going there. I wanted the old Emily back and those old demons weren’t part of her new DNA and there was zero chance I was going to allow them to resurface and suck me back in. Instead, I participated in unknown play; in workshops that required unfiltered vulnerability. Suddenly I found myself not caring about whether I was doing whatever new thing right or wrong; I didn’t care how silly or uncoordinated I might look. It just didn’t matter. I even became so comfortable in my own skin and state of being that I didn’t even care if someone had witnessed my emotional release during a powerful meditation and many HAD and in perfect timing, they voiced that, “It was beautiful to watch you release whatever you were holding on to.” THAT was mind-blowing. All my worries dissipated and I was living in the moment. I was met that day by unconditional love and acceptance and that catapulted me into letting go and to just enjoy and be present. I could feel myself returning more and more. Meeting new people and expanding the friendships I had made previously, I found freedom in that unadulterated play; a return to innocence, support, empathy, encouragement, authentic conversation; connection. And the outcome of trusting my intuition and making the decision to allow myself to be seen and release fear of judgement was magical. 

You see, for so many years I had to suppress who I was to fit into a social construct that was never meant for ME; a place that frowned upon self-expression such that existing in this culture caused those closest to me to wonder, “Where was Emily?? They couldn’t see the person they knew me to actually be! It took some time, a lot of soul-searching and reality-checking. Slowly, I began to not only find myself again (and trust me I am still in that process) but I also discovered who loved me for ME. I was searching for my home again. There is no place like home and when I love and accept myself for who I am and not for who others expect or want me to be: 

I. AM. HOME. 

I had found HOME. And “home” was within me all along. 

I discovered that I don’t have to hide my quirks; my kookiness, my creativity or any sides of me. I was merely allowing myself to be surrounded by people who didn’t want that; they wanted me back in my “box” but once you have escaped that confine, there is no going back. 

I know now, that I AM ACCEPTED FOR WHO I AM. The goofy, fearless, authentic ME. I have missed that girl and like any true friendship, when I found her, no time had passed; we just picked up and harmony was restored. Welcome home Emilia. It’s really good to see you again. ♥️🙏🏻 

“And wherever I go, I’ll find my way home….”

 

THE REAL REEL

As I am certain so many of us in these unprecedented times do also, with each passing day of self-distancing, at-home-learning, and solitude, I experience a flurry of emotion. Alone with three kids ranging from seven to nearly thirteen in age, there are days I feel appreciation for the circumstances; for the slower pace; for the extra time to connect and discover my little loves on a different, more personal level. Other days I feel unhinged; like my sanity is hanging by a thread. Those days, I relate too closely to Tom Hanks hallucinating and talking to a volleyball in Castaway. There's really no middle ground. One week I have complete control and manage the days like a boss. The next day I breathe and countdown through varied levels of panic and anxiety. When this happens, sometimes I come out stronger and more determined. I get back to being efficient and organized and then a series of uncontrollable disasters and failures occur and I regress. Then I'm back on the island taking crazy pills and it takes time.

And the thing of it is that I know, I mean I KNOW, that I am not alone on this rollercoaster. I know it because I communicate with friends who tell me that they relate; people who share their struggle; they verbalize fear of "not making it" through this and rhetorically beg to wake from this dystopian nightmare. I troll through meme after meme on social media humorizing the new norm and I see it there too. And though being able to laugh at the situation (thank God) offers a sense of peace in knowing that I am not the only one "losing my mind;" that we can all identify with this wrecking ball, it also saddens me to recognize society's failure to correct an error. It pains me to see a valuable opportunity to right a wrong wasted. I feel like one of the most significant lessons being missed during all this is that of embracing authenticity in the midst of this pandemic; a global opportunity to unite in honesty and together represent truth. I believe the one lesson most of us are not learning is to "keep it real."

Let me pause to say that I don't feel it necessary to point out the myriad ways in which the novel Corona Virus has impacted the world at large; socially, emotionally and economically. With no knowledge of end or solution in sight, we are all living through this together and seeing it play out on the news or on the empty streets of our respective neighborhoods and cities. I am, however, compelled to address the false (perhaps not in all cases) fake news propagated on Instagram and Facebook. We all know that even prior to COVID-19, these platforms provide only glimpses of our true selves - they personify what is commonly referred to as the "highlight reel." Most people do not post pictures or videos of the dark moments. Most people do not share the battle; the tears, the fear; the dissolution of self or relationships or family. And before I say one more word on the matter, I will confess that I am guilty of it too. This is the more common disease with which society is infected long before this virus showed up, and it is highly contagious.

Now, I pose the question: are we only showing the highlight reel because we are afraid to be vulnerable with friends, acquaintances, strangers? Are we only showing it because revealing our realities exposes insecurities and/or judgment? Is it because we don't actually have any of those tough moments? Of course not! We ALL do. I can't post a picture of me hiding from my children in my closet because I don't want them to see me defeated and crying for the second, third or fourth time in a day. I can't post that moment because I don't want to take that picture. I don't want that memory. I want it erased, and I want to overcome the hard times and look back at only the good ones. I only want to remember the times when I wasn't asking for the same thing for the 585th time or threatening to take away technology if my kids didn't clean up after themselves or take a shower or fill in the blank.

Know that I am highly impressed by your eight-course home made meals. I am proud of your newly discovered talent and your ability to balance and juggle objects and life simultaneously. I am encouraged by so many people who seem to be crushing quarantine and self-distancing alongside helpful partners and seemingly stress free, easy breezy days and weeks. I am motivated by the degree of productivity I see as I scroll. . .so long as it is grounded in truth.

Here is the rub, living in a reality where so many basic freedoms are inaccessible, there is one freedom that cannot be taken away and that is: self. Misappropriated? Yes. Stolen? Never. But along with that freedom comes the ability to "tweak" our selves; to put on masks, perform, hide in the recesses of insecurity or fear; to conceal who we are from those closest to us and possibly even from ourselves. That sounds easy to do but it is actually cumbersome work. You are beautifully and wonderfully made; loved even. Flaws and all. And the best news yet is that none of us are perfect. We are all imperfect AND flawed. So let's regain the freedom to be known. It is refreshing. It is deliverance. Let's globally strip. First, lets take off our insecurities.

Moving forward, I challenge us all, myself included, though I certainly expose my trials, terrifying as it is to do so via writing, to be vulnerable and brave during this time of isolation and separation; to not only reconnect with our loved ones and ourselves, but also with our entire community. I encourage us all to seize this opportunity to shine a light and change the reel to real. Show us your face. Show us your heart. Show us your triumphs and your weaknesses too. Because we all have both. Encourage ME; encourage OTHERS not only by posting your wins but also by posting your losses and by demonstrating not only the joy but the solidarity that exists in the often painfully harsh reality of life through these mediums. Do it for you and for your friends and family, but also do it for the sake of unifying a broken world and together, through relatability, regaining hope.