The first time we tried to have this event, the skies opened up and we experienced a mini typhoon. The tents blew over, we slid off our drenched yoga mats and the universe decided “not today yogis.” Rescheduled a month later, we were gifted the most gorgeous weather and a do-over better than I could have ever imagined.
Metaphorically speaking, and much like that first event, my life for a very very long stretch has felt like a series of typhoons - “when it rains it pours.” The hits just kept on coming! Constantly moving, fixing, mending, repairing; putting out fires; juggling everything and everyone’s needs around me all at once had become the new norm and because life tends to throw you plenty to worry about and tackle all at once, it felt never-ending. I was exhausted; in need of encouragement, self-nourishment and above all support. I needed life to give me a break and help me to actively carve out time for myself, my dreams, and for replenishment. But even without those things, I KNOW I am strong; and always have been. I know personal sacrifice and I know pain all too well but I have never given up trying to work on myself and better myself because I have three extraordinary reasons to never quit.
The morning of the rescheduled event, I was in an emotionally empathetic place - deeply hurting for someone I love with all my heart, unable to make the situation better for him and my inclination was to stay home and get to work on “fixing the problem” but I KNEW two things: 1) that if I WENT, my mindset would change and 2) that almost 99% of the time I worry unnecessarily and things always work out for good in time and with patience and by trusting that the universe will conspire in my favor if I allow myself to change and let go of those “fixer” habits and patterns.
Practicing awareness, I checked in with myself and surrendered. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone I went to the event and on the way was met with text message after message from a community I thought I had lost offering support, potential solutions and a “you’ve got this” theme based on my earlier situation.
That day, I tried new things, and at times even thought, “I hope no one is watching or paying attention - I must look ridiculous.” I sensed that insecurity we all have of being judged creeping in and I stopped it dead in its tracks. Nope. Sorry. Not going there. I wanted the old Emily back and those old demons weren’t part of her new DNA and there was zero chance I was going to allow them to resurface and suck me back in. Instead, I participated in unknown play; in workshops that required unfiltered vulnerability. Suddenly I found myself not caring about whether I was doing whatever new thing right or wrong; I didn’t care how silly or uncoordinated I might look. It just didn’t matter. I even became so comfortable in my own skin and state of being that I didn’t even care if someone had witnessed my emotional release during a powerful meditation and many HAD and in perfect timing, they voiced that, “It was beautiful to watch you release whatever you were holding on to.” THAT was mind-blowing. All my worries dissipated and I was living in the moment. I was met that day by unconditional love and acceptance and that catapulted me into letting go and to just enjoy and be present. I could feel myself returning more and more. Meeting new people and expanding the friendships I had made previously, I found freedom in that unadulterated play; a return to innocence, support, empathy, encouragement, authentic conversation; connection. And the outcome of trusting my intuition and making the decision to allow myself to be seen and release fear of judgement was magical.
You see, for so many years I had to suppress who I was to fit into a social construct that was never meant for ME; a place that frowned upon self-expression such that existing in this culture caused those closest to me to wonder, “Where was Emily?? They couldn’t see the person they knew me to actually be! It took some time, a lot of soul-searching and reality-checking. Slowly, I began to not only find myself again (and trust me I am still in that process) but I also discovered who loved me for ME. I was searching for my home again. There is no place like home and when I love and accept myself for who I am and not for who others expect or want me to be:
I. AM. HOME.
I had found HOME. And “home” was within me all along.
I discovered that I don’t have to hide my quirks; my kookiness, my creativity or any sides of me. I was merely allowing myself to be surrounded by people who didn’t want that; they wanted me back in my “box” but once you have escaped that confine, there is no going back.
I know now, that I AM ACCEPTED FOR WHO I AM. The goofy, fearless, authentic ME. I have missed that girl and like any true friendship, when I found her, no time had passed; we just picked up and harmony was restored. Welcome home Emilia. It’s really good to see you again. ♥️🙏🏻
“And wherever I go, I’ll find my way home….”
